rainy...eww

Its a rainy wednesday morning in Killeen... although yesterday started like that and it was 80 degrees and beautiful by the end of the day.

Im feeling a lot better than I have the last few days. Not sure what that was all about... maybe I was sick or maybe the little one hit some kind of growth spurt that had me drained or something. Who knows.

Got a really sweet email from Miss Toby this morning. In my email I (subtlely) mentioned how I dont really feel quite maternal and actually feel sort of miserable and fat and frustrated. Truthfully, I keep thinking I am going to be a terrible Mom because I am not feeling that warm gushy maternal feeling at all. I just feel like I am in pain and like a little parasite has taken over my body. And I cringe every time a pair of pants is too tight. And then I think thats terrible and this is my baby and I shouldnt be thinking this way and maybe its too soon and maybe Im still way too immature becuase Im focused on all of these superficial things instead of gushing over the baby that is developing in me like everyone else does.

So her email was really sweet and Im not sure she realized how much I appreciated it. She just pretty much told me that she felt the same way and that its totally ok and normal and things will change once I can feel my baby. I have heard this before but I think it meant more to me hearing that she felt the EXACT same way since shes a great mommy now. She gushes over her kid and sends out baby pictures via email like once a week.

In conclusion I would like to vote that nobody ever tell my child that I am not horribly excited abotu him/her at the 11 week point (although he/she is partly to blame for making me nauseous all the time).

Also, apparently my baby has fingernails. Thats something new.

In conclusion - am going to call the doctor today and make the appointment. Yes at the horrible Army health clinic. I am officially tired of red tape. They have beat me into submission and I would be heartbroken if something was wrong with my kid that could have been prevented if it had been seen earlier. Although I will say that its not my fault that the Army insurance requires months of red tape before you can see a stupid doctor. I might write a letter about my horrible experiences thus far. I dont think anyone will take it seriously but I at least feel like someone should hear it. So no, I wont get all the wonderful birthing/breastfeeding/caring for your baby classes that I would have gotten at the place I should be going... nor will I have the same doctor every time, (I see now why people are just rushing their doors down to use their services) but if I have to spend another conversation on the phone begging someone to give me information, I might have a breakdown.

In fact, I think I am going to take a break before calling because I am already fired up and I think the first unkind thing someone says to me while calling to make an appointment, I will cry.